Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A Virgin Bride (And Groom)

I got married between graduation from college and beginning law school.  I married my best friend's sister.  She and I had always had a thing for each other, and discovered that we were in love as I neared the end of college.  We were each pretty innocent with the opposite sex.  For her, I think it was simply that she was a "good girl."  For me, although I couldn't name it or describe it then, it was that I was afraid.  Afraid of failing to be able to "do it."  That's right.  We were both virgins when we got married.



On our wedding night, neither of us knew what to do.  My new bride, who I was a few years older than, rightly, expected me to know what to do.  Me, being the guy, and older, thought I ought to know what to do.  But the reality was, that I didn't, and so we didn't fuck the first night of our marriage.  Instead, I ended up cumming all over her, but never getting inside of her.  She was nice about it and all, but I could tell that first night she was confused about why we didn't "do it" on our wedding night.  I tried to pretend like it was okay, but inside, I was devastated.  I'd feared my inability to "perform" all along, never admitted to anyone that I was a virgin, and when I failed to perform in the clutch, I cinched it in my own mind - I couldn't "do it."  The rest of the Honeymoon wasn't any different.  We didn't "do it" the entire Honeymoon. 


I know that what I'm about to admit may be difficult to believe, but although we loved each other, and stayed together for a long time before she finally, one day, announced that she was leaving me for another guy - or, I should say, simply, a man - we never actually consummated our marriage.  I satisfied her to some extent, because I was good at giving oral, but I knew it was never really enough.  She wanted a man.  And she wasn't comfortable reciprocating with me.  So, I never was on the receiving end of a blow job.  Instead, I ended up cumming on her when we humped because I never could get it in her.  Our marriage fizzled to an end, just like my performance in bed, and we never discussed it.


When my first wife left me, I was devastated.  It wasn't just that the woman I loved left me for another man.  I knew why it really happened.  I simply wasn't man enough.  She didn't leave me for another man.  She left me for a man.  If I had been one, she wouldn't have left me for a man who could please her like a woman needs, and deserves, to be pleased.  By then, I was a full-fledged adult, and I was still a fucking virgin!  By the time she left me, I'm quite certain she wasn't one.  We were married for six years!  I was twenty-eight years old!  I worried that I would never have intercourse with a woman.  And you can imagine how fearful I was of dating new women - women who weren't childhood friends who knew and liked me - women I had to impress - and worrying how I would prove to these new women that I couldn't fuck them.  And they'd talk to other women around town about it.  Fuck!  I was a mess!


And remember what I've mentioned in an earlier post - I was a guy's guy.  I played sports.  I was competitive.  I was a trial attorney, and a very formidable one.  Other attorneys liked me and respected my tough, competitive fire in the courtroom.  But I'd never fucked a woman.  Can you imagine?  Hanging out with guys in locker rooms, always talking about fucking this girl, or that girl?  You know?  How guys talk?  And always lying about my own exploits?  As in, I had none.  It was tough.  I felt like Charlie Brown.  I wanted to ask girls out.  But I was afraid if I did, and they said yes, I'd only prove how worthless I was, rather than simply have them suspect it.  And so I spent a lot of time alone after my first marriage.  And guess what I did?  Living alone for the first time as an adult, with no one to see what I did in the privacy of my own home?  Um hmm.









And I enjoyed it.  But I still felt like it was wrong.  By now, I completely understood that a guy wearing women's underwear wasn't really a man.  I didn't need my mother to beat me to make me understand.  Add in that my wife just left me for a man, and that I knew I'd never fucked a woman.  I was a quiet mess.  Quiet because I could never, ever, admit the truth.  But, things improve.  Next post.  Stay tuned.




20 comments:

  1. Dearest Leeanne:

    Your writing has special poignancy to me, as I suppose it does to most sissies. While I've "consummated" my marriage, I've never really felt that I've given my Wife - or any woman - the pleasure She truly deserves. Your pain and your passions are shared by most of us, I believe, but few of us can express what we feel with such tenderness. My love goes to you, darling, as well as my wish that you find the right person to help you enjoy, embrace and empower the sissy within!

    Kisses & Curtseys,
    Sissy Maid Tami

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Sissy Maid Terri,

    Thank you for that sweet and thoughtful note. I don't know what to say, except that I'm glad my story has touched someone. I must say, when I decided to write this blog - to tell my story - I was determined to tell the truth. To tell it all. I've been a bit thrown off kilter by how these memories have shaken me. It's been like reliving them. But there is a present to my story. And I will eventually get there.

    Meanwhile, thank you for your comments, and your words of encouragement.


    Hugs,

    Leeanne

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Sissy Maid Tami,

    Sorry for name misspell in earlier reply. Auto correct not always correct.

    Hugs,

    Leeanne

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Leeanne,

    Thank you for opening up and revealing something that is so personal. Although I didn't experience the same thing, I have always known I was never a "real" man who could pleasure a woman through intercourse they way a woman deserves & needs. I lost my virginity rather late compared to other guys around me; 19. A lot of this had to do with my inner sissy desires and lack of confidence around women. So although we didn't experience the same thing, I can definitely relate to some of the feelings you relate.

    Thanks again, and I really love your blog!

    ~coco~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear coco,

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my blog. And for letting me know that my experience isn't an isolated one. Although I don't wish my experience upon anyone.

      Hugs,

      Leeanne

      Delete
  5. I love reading your writings! I wish there were more blogs where sissies like us write about their real experiences and real thoughts. That's what I try to do too.

    I am actually fortunate in that even though I cannot satisfy my wife through penetration -- and we have given up on that -- she adores how I pleasure her orally and (so far) she is happy with that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Stevie,

      Thank you for your compliments. I'm hoping others enjoy reading about my sissy journey as much as I've enjoyed reading about others, including yours. I love all of your blogs. How do you find time to keep them all going?

      Thanks again and let's stay in touch.

      Hugs,

      Leeanne

      Delete
    2. Dear Stevie,

      All good sissies find a way.

      Hugs,

      Leeanne

      Delete
  6. *smiles

    You are not alone hun. While my sexual exploits dont match your own (with regards to virginity and my former wife), i DO know exactly how you feel (or at least how reading your story makes me think you feel). Sissy yearnings and desires seem to be exciting and at the same time shameful, in a way. Maybe thats what is really attracting us to the lifestyle... the internal conflict, humiliation, the shame. i dont know really, not a head doctor or anything, but having such strong desires while being conflicted about them at the same time is just so... addicting.

    Anyway, your writing is obviously from the heart, and in that way it is erotic on many levels. So far, i sympathize and want to hug you... thank you for sharing sissy sister... i think that this is the way that we can express our hearts desires in public, and at the same time, comfort our sisters in turmoil.

    /me huggles and cuddles the good sissy maid

    **kisses!**

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear nicolette,

      That may be one of the nicest reactions to my story I've received yet. Thank you.

      Hugs,

      Leeanne

      Delete
  7. Awww. Leanne, I'm sorry it didn't work out, and she left you. That must have been hard. But maybe things work out for the best, you know? I hope you got some relief by wearing some of those panities and panty girdles!
    Hug, Sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Sara,

      I don't want to give away the rest of my story. But, yes, this was a sad chapter.

      Hugs,

      Leeanne

      Delete
  8. I hope you don't think you're the only one sweetie. I've heard the same story from a thousand guys.
    You are what you are, and beating yourself up does not change anything.
    If you ever have questions about what is "normal" feel free to ask, I'll try to remember if I ever met someone like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Ms. Bowers,

      Thank you for your observation. I understand. I think one of the reasons I decided to write this blog is that I finally realize that I am not alone. And while I know what I can't get away with revealing in my "normal" day-to-life, I also realize things go on behind closed doors in homes all over the world that, if we ever reached a point in society that we were hones about it, there would be less need for psychiatrists, etc. Not that I want to put anyone out of work.

      I am so honored that you read my blog. I am a long time huge fan of your audios. When you first came out with a podcast, I discovered you and spent many nights falling asleep with your beautiful, sexy voice teasing me on my sissy thoughts.
      thank you for all of that. And for your encouraging words.

      Hugs,

      Leeanne

      Delete
  9. Hi Leanne I have just started to read all your posts in historical order after finding you from Saragirl's site.
    I think your candid description of your situation is so heartwarming. I too started off with all my mothers nylon lingerie and bras etc. Eventually when I got married (now 47 years!) my attempts at pleasing my wife were only just more successful than yours. I know after reading Sara's books etc. that I probably never satisfied her whilst I was inside her as I always came too quickly and she need manual stimulation afterwards. She wasn't too keen on oral as she felt she would have to reciprocate which she hated!
    Anyway your blog is wonderful and I will gradually get up to date. I wish I could have had the benefit of yours and Sara's blogs when I was a young sissy, (unbeknown to me at the time) all those years ago in what much more sexually repressive times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Emma,

      Thank you so much for your comment. I'm glad that you like my blog. I think the Internet has been a godsend for sissies like us. It has helped so many find out that we are not alone in the world. I'm pleased that my blog, and others, helps you.

      Kisses,

      Leeanne

      Delete
  10. sorry to hear about your marriage leeanne but i suppose it gave you more time to dress up in womens clothing, which i suppose would prepare you for your future life
    frank29278
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  11. Leeanne, I am so sorry you had to go through that but can certainly relate to the feelings. At 41, i've never so much as held a girls hand or even had a date. Now I now that even if I was to find someone I couldn't satisfy her anyway unless so was willing to teach me how to please her with my tongue, fingers or whatever else is handy.

    One thing's for sure, she'd have to make the first move as I wouldn't know the signs! I often wonder what i'd do if a woman admitted she liked me. Probably run a mile, after all she can do a damn site better than me!

    Oh well! I just hope that in my next life I come back as a rabbit, so I can be at it all the time :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Leeanne, I hope I don't hurt you by writing that your trauma is fucking sexy! There cannot be a more ultimate cuckold fantasy. What does it do to your insides when you imagine your good girl virgin wife succumbing to the seduction of a man for the first time? Her body accepting his penetration and climax? Her mind rationalizing that moment as her genuine wedding night, and her heart taking her lover as true husband?

    Did you have cuckold fantasies before she left you, or were you only a X-dresser then? People's reaction to pain amazes me. Some respond by denying and avoiding. Others embrace and hold close their greatest terrors.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear JamiLin,

      I do not recall having cuckold fantasies during my first marriage. I'm still haunted by never succeeding in that marriage, because I honestly believe that the reason it didn't last was because I was incapable of performing for my wife. And even though I can look at my life now and think that I'm better off, and that my first wife is also better off (I am aware that she is having a good life), it still hurts me that I literally never consummated that marriage.

      And, of course I take no offense that you find my trauma sexy. In fact, at this point in my life, I kind of get off on the fact that you do.

      Smooch!

      Leeanne

      Delete