It's Over (At Least For Now)

[NOTE - Anyone who is just beginning to read my blog might want to read the following early entries in my blog about my sissy journey before reading this latest entry: A Little More Background - Am I Sure I Should Do This? - I'm Afraid - These - Where It All Started - Then, These - Miss Flo - Caught For The First Time - About My Last Post - Bikini Panties!!! - A Virgin Bride (And Groom) - Exhausted Sissy Needs Stress Relief! - Sissy Marries Cheerleader - Sissy Makes Life With Cheerleader - Cheerleader Discovers Sissy - Cheerleader Accepts Sissy - Cheerleader And Sissy Grow - Cheerleader Asserts Control - Cheerleader Teases Sissy - Cheerleader And Sissy Settle In To New Home - Cheerleader Cucks Sissy - Cheerleader and Sissy Are Mentored - Sissy Offers Context For Cheerleader - Sissy Sees Her Future - Sissy Adapts To Chastity - Sissy And Cheerleader Spend A Weekend Apart – Our Weekend Apart Aftermath – Cheerleader Has A Heart-To-Heart With Sissy - Sissy And Cheerleader's Last Weekend With Andrea - Part One - Sissy And Cheerleader's Last Weekend With Andrea - Part Two - Cheerleader Thanks Sissy - Cheerleader Does A Sleepover - How My Cheerleader Vets Men - Cheerleader Flirts - With Purpose - Cheerleader Is A Happy Girl - Cheerleader Learns – Juggling Isn’t Easy - Cheerleader Gets An Itch - My Cheerleader's Summer of Contentment – My Cheerleader and Her Quarterback -  Cheerleader and Sissy Reach Accord (And Satisfaction) - Sissy Catches Up, Cheerleader Goes Sailing - Discovered! - It Was Bound To Happen Sooner Or Later - Quarterback Discovers Leeanne - I Have Good News. And News - Quarterback Is Visiting For Labor Day - Cheerleader Speaks - My New Sissy Life - Kittens Love Cream - Sissy Belongs to Cheerleader - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town - Bath Time - Christmas Shopping Visit Summary - Cheerleader and Sissy's Christmas Surprise - We're Going To Mexico! - Mexico - Day One - First Full Day In Mexico - Day Two - Mexico Heats Up- Day Three - Sissy Confessions- Day Four in Mexico - Surprise Visitors to Mexico - Day Five - Sissy Gets A Reprieve - Day Six - Opening Day And An Explanation.  These are the previous posts that tell the story about my sissy journey.]

This is Cheerleader writing.  I thought I should be the one to break this news.  I know many of the people who read Leeanne’s blog have been wondering why she hasn’t written anything about our life lately, and especially why she never finished writing about our trip to Mexico last February.  I take responsibility for that.  I didn’t want her to share what happened the last day and night.  Then, after we returned home, things were going on that I needed to figure out and, until recently, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.  We sort of lumbered along doing things, more or less, as we had been.  But things were not quite right and I knew it.  So did she I suppose, but she has become so accustomed now to me calling the big shots in our life that she was not going to say anything as long as she thought I was happy with our circumstances.

As I know many of the readers of Leeanne’s blog are aware, I haven’t always endorsed her sharing our life story here.  After my ex-husband (I know, Leeanne refers to him as Quarterback, which was kind of cute I suppose, but I don’t, and I’m not using his name) and I reunited in an intimate way, thinks sort of went off in a direction that I was never completely sure about.  I know this will sound like me attempting to justify my behavior, but I really do think this is the truth - I was blinded by the sex.  I don’t even know how to explain this, or whether it matters if I do, but I’m going to try because I want to be fair to Leeanne and don’t want her to have to defend me or try to explain something that she probably couldn’t if she tried.

I have to go back to the beginning to explain some of this.  As Leeanne wrote in her blog when she first told me about her “sissy” nature, I was not happy.  I have always seen myself as a very “normal” woman and have never thought of being with anyone like Leeanne.  I assure you she wasn’t like that when we met and married, so I was not happy when she dropped that bomb on me a few years into our marriage.  But the problem was, she is a good person.  She was good to my sons from my first marriage.  She was good to me.  In short, I loved (love) her.  I realized I couldn’t just quit on our marriage when she told me I was married to someone different from whom I thought I married.  So, I stuck it out and, as you know, even tried to see what it was all about.  And believe me when I tell you that was not easy.  When we first experimented with her wearing lingerie to bed I was uncomfortable, and for more than one reason.  I wasn’t sure how I felt about being with a man dressed in women’s clothing.  That seemed weird to me.  I know that might sound judgmental, but it is how I felt at the time.  The other thing I found uncomfortable was that I found myself enjoying it on a certain level.  I couldn’t explain it then, but I know now what it is.  I enjoyed the sense of control, and then later came to enjoy the sense of freedom I received from Leeanne by letting her blossom as the feminine person she is.

Things were fine for a while.  I came to accept her and became more comfortable with her as my sexual partner.  Then came her fantasy games.  Bringing up me being with other men.  Again, I was uncomfortable at first.  But, again, as we fantasized about it out loud more and more, the more I began to wonder – what would that be like?  I am not going to go into detail about how we got started down the road we’re on now – Leeanne has done a very detailed job of telling that story.  I’m just stating that we did not get here so much because of me – in my opinion – but rather because of her.  Nonetheless, the relationship with my ex-husband has become a bit heavy for me to manage.  He slowly began exerting more and more control over me, and us.  For a while, I think I enjoyed relinquishing some of the control I had been exercising in my marriage to Leeanne.  It has been a burden on me.  But it became more obvious to me as we moved forward that he was having more influence upon my (and our) life than I was comfortable with.  And so I decided it was time to take a break – a long break – and maybe even a permanent one.  If you wonder how my ex-husband reacted, I will tell you he wasn’t happy about my decision.  However, despite the control he had been exercising over me and Leeanne, the one thing he understood from me throughout our reuniting was that I ultimately know my own mind and that, once I made this decision, he wasn’t going to change my mind.

This does not mean I will stop seeing men.  Oh no!  That isn’t being rolled back.  It might even result in a few new men in our life.  I don’t know.  I just know I don’t want any one man taking control of the life I have with Leeanne.  I just want the, well, sex.  And male companionship.  And Leeanne will continue to be my sissy.  My sissy.  Not my ex-husband’s sissy. 

One more thing.  I’m going to relent and let her finish telling about our Mexico trip.  It was momentous and I feel bad that Leeanne has not been allowed to tell her readers about it.

Cheerleader